"Hey, you're a cute girl," I say.
As if by reflex, she replies "That's not right!"
I know I'm being obtuse, but I have to complement her. She's playing it cool, definitely below 90 degrees, but I have the hots for her. As I said, she's a cute girl.
Friday, January 26, 2018
Thursday, August 3, 2017
Dialogue from Star Trek Discovery
Malaysian Michelle Yeoh is playing a Starfleet captain on the new Star Trek Discovery series. Wouldn't it be great if she was free to speak with a full Malaysian accent and dialogue!
"Captain, the aliens are hailing us on the communicator."
"Don't kacau kacau me what lah you!"
"Captain, they are threatening to fire on us! "
"Aiya! Want retaliate izit? Don know lor. Where got phasers? So mafan."
Thursday, February 18, 2016
Indiana Jones and the Last Crystal Ark of Doom Awakens
Information about Disney's and JJ Abrams new Indiana Jones movie has been leaked and it's like nothing you've ever seen before!
Indy and Marion have separated. He's now returned to the world of smuggling historical artefacts. The reason for their split: their son Henry Jones Jr III, also known as Mutt, has joined the Neo Nazis.
The Neo Nazis have discovered a historical weapon with the power to destroy the planet. Only Indy can save the world.
A drink at a jungle bar is interrupted by Neo Nazi soldiers. Indy only escapes after the intervention of friendly forces. He then travels to the secret Nazi base under the snow where he confronts Mutt.
There is an intimate family moment together before Mutt stabs Indy crying "Don't call me Junior!"
The movie ends with Henry Jones the first, played by Sean Connery, on an isolated island, saying nothing.
Indy and Marion have separated. He's now returned to the world of smuggling historical artefacts. The reason for their split: their son Henry Jones Jr III, also known as Mutt, has joined the Neo Nazis.
The Neo Nazis have discovered a historical weapon with the power to destroy the planet. Only Indy can save the world.
A drink at a jungle bar is interrupted by Neo Nazi soldiers. Indy only escapes after the intervention of friendly forces. He then travels to the secret Nazi base under the snow where he confronts Mutt.
There is an intimate family moment together before Mutt stabs Indy crying "Don't call me Junior!"
The movie ends with Henry Jones the first, played by Sean Connery, on an isolated island, saying nothing.
Tuesday, November 3, 2015
Alcohol for Paleo
Do you like a drink but are afraid that it will interfere with your paleo diet? After all, there is no evidence that stone age man ever went to wine tastings or craft breweries.
Fortunately, there is an easy solution! Simply locate some rotting fruit, preferably from under the tree from which it fell, but a supermarket dumpster is an acceptable alternative. Blend it up in your NutriBullet with some quinoa, kale and pond scum (err, spirulina) and there you go, an alcoholic mixer fit for the primitive party goer. Cheers!
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| ©The Shaun Woods, Flickr |
Thursday, October 29, 2015
Fairness
You are holding a birthday party. The guests have been generous with bringing food and gifts and now it's time for cake.
You are an evil socialist leaner
You slice the cake into equal portions and hand out a slice to each of the guests.
You are a conservative lifter
You give the cake to the richest guest (who happens also to be a mate from your private school), tell him to cut a quarter of the cake for you, keep as much as he likes for himself and sell any leftovers he doesn't want to the other guests.
Sunday, February 1, 2015
The Marketplace Democracy
The recent state election results in Queensland and Victoria demonstrate that Australians do not understand how a functional democracy works. In both cases a pro-business conservative government has been removed after only a single term.
Business needs certainty to operate. It is this lack of certainty and consistency that is the greatest weakness of a multi-party system of government where party policies are not similarly aligned.
Australians, and indeed all democracies, should turn to the marketplace for a better system of government. Instead of making policy based upon the vague popularity among the ill informed general populace it should instead be made based upon what corporations or people are willing to pay for it. In this way the democracy of the marketplace rewards success, for those who are most successful will have more funds to determine the policies that should be enacted.
Indeed the marketplace democracy is how many recent governments in Australia and overseas have been operating. We should not let the people dictate otherwise.
Business needs certainty to operate. It is this lack of certainty and consistency that is the greatest weakness of a multi-party system of government where party policies are not similarly aligned.
Australians, and indeed all democracies, should turn to the marketplace for a better system of government. Instead of making policy based upon the vague popularity among the ill informed general populace it should instead be made based upon what corporations or people are willing to pay for it. In this way the democracy of the marketplace rewards success, for those who are most successful will have more funds to determine the policies that should be enacted.
Indeed the marketplace democracy is how many recent governments in Australia and overseas have been operating. We should not let the people dictate otherwise.
Tuesday, December 9, 2014
Entitlements
G'day.
We all know someone out there in the community who has is doing it tough despite working hard all their life and thought "I'd like to do something for them for once. Throw them a party or give them a trip overseas." Maybe it's your pastor or a doctor or maybe even your mother.
There are some Australians who have worked hard for themselves all their lives. People like Gina Reinhardt and Rupert Murdoch. Make no mistake, through no fault of their own they are doing it tough now. Despite their efforts the price of iron is falling along with newspaper circulation figures. This is when we, as a community, can step in and lend a hand.
That's why this government, on behalf of all Australians, is determined to reduce the burden on these heavy lifters of the nation through reduced taxes and broad ranged financial and legislative assistance packages. It's part of our plan to ensure a prosperous future for these great Australians.
Yours uncharacteristically truthfully,
Tones.
We all know someone out there in the community who has is doing it tough despite working hard all their life and thought "I'd like to do something for them for once. Throw them a party or give them a trip overseas." Maybe it's your pastor or a doctor or maybe even your mother.
There are some Australians who have worked hard for themselves all their lives. People like Gina Reinhardt and Rupert Murdoch. Make no mistake, through no fault of their own they are doing it tough now. Despite their efforts the price of iron is falling along with newspaper circulation figures. This is when we, as a community, can step in and lend a hand.
That's why this government, on behalf of all Australians, is determined to reduce the burden on these heavy lifters of the nation through reduced taxes and broad ranged financial and legislative assistance packages. It's part of our plan to ensure a prosperous future for these great Australians.
Yours uncharacteristically truthfully,
Tones.
Monday, May 5, 2014
True democracy
It is time that all Australians woke up to the fact that this country is facing a economic catastrophe of epic proportions and that the fault lies entirely with the Labor Party and the Greens. Time and time again they are voted into power leading to disaster for Australia.
That Australians keep making the same mistake of not ensuring that the Coalition remains in power is evidence that democracy in this country is flawed. The sooner that Mr Abbott is made leader for life the sooner we can enshrine a true democracy based upon the marketplace, where corporations and individuals can bid for policies based upon their financial contributions.
Thursday, May 1, 2014
Labour reforms for a prosperous Australia
It is our opinion that the Commission of Audit's proposed changes to the minimum wage and unemployment benefits do not go far enough and that further measures must be taken to address Australia's decline in productivity and international competitiveness. It is high time that Australia introduced the concept of indentured labour into its employment options.
We propose that Australians who have been unemployed for a period of six months or more without a an alternative source of sufficient income be sold via a bidding process to an employer. The employer is then responsible for the food, housing, training and welfare of the worker, thus absolving the government and the taxpayer of any further costs to support the worker.
In return the worker will be required to supply labour and services to whatever task the employer requires of them.
This service would also be extended to debtors who could agree to a position of indentured servitude to the holder of the debt in exchange for the cancellation of the outstanding debt.
It is well known that unemployment can be a multi generational affliction with the children of the unemployed not learning the benefits of hard work from their parents. For this reason the government should strongly consider extending the indentured service of parents to their families as well, ensuring that their children learn the value of work from a young age.
The benefits of this program are vast should it be taken up in its entirety. By transferring the responsibility for the welfare of the unemployed and those who cannot pay their own way on to private industry the government can eliminate their huge outlays on welfare benefits, low cost housing, public health and education. Whole departments can be dissolved and services privatised with enormous cost benefits to taxpayers.
For the private industries that employ indentured labour the benefits are similarly huge. Australian companies will finally have access to a workforce that is globally competitive and free of productivity damaging regulation. As an example of what can be achieved with the power of indentured labour one need look no further than the radical development of Dubai and the Emirates as a global powerhouse.
Companies will be have the flexibility to deploy their workforce as required and marketplaces will develop to allow trade in indentured contracts. We recommend minimal government regulation of the marketplace as we believe that market forces will quickly determine the optimal levels of service required to incentivise indentured workers to provide maximal productivity.
For example, we envisage that some organisations may wish to pay indentured workers based on their individual productivity so that they can purchase their way out of their contracts after a sufficient number of years of service. Other benefits, like access to better housing, health services or education, may also be offered as a means of motivation.
Highly productive workers will become valuable for the organisations that own them as they will be able to be traded in the indentured marketplace for higher sums.
Naturally, it will be necessary to remove the right to vote from indentured workers similar to those serving a prison sentence of three or more years. Furthermore, penalties will need to be enacted to punish indentured workers who refuse to provide an adequate level of service to their employers. Responsibility for enforcing these sanctions should be the domain of the employer and could include forms of corporal punishment.
We believe that indentured labour is the foundation that is needed for a prosperous future Australia and we urge the government to speed its introduction into Australia as a matter of urgency.
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| Image courtesy of Wikipedia |
In return the worker will be required to supply labour and services to whatever task the employer requires of them.
This service would also be extended to debtors who could agree to a position of indentured servitude to the holder of the debt in exchange for the cancellation of the outstanding debt.
It is well known that unemployment can be a multi generational affliction with the children of the unemployed not learning the benefits of hard work from their parents. For this reason the government should strongly consider extending the indentured service of parents to their families as well, ensuring that their children learn the value of work from a young age.
The benefits of this program are vast should it be taken up in its entirety. By transferring the responsibility for the welfare of the unemployed and those who cannot pay their own way on to private industry the government can eliminate their huge outlays on welfare benefits, low cost housing, public health and education. Whole departments can be dissolved and services privatised with enormous cost benefits to taxpayers.
For the private industries that employ indentured labour the benefits are similarly huge. Australian companies will finally have access to a workforce that is globally competitive and free of productivity damaging regulation. As an example of what can be achieved with the power of indentured labour one need look no further than the radical development of Dubai and the Emirates as a global powerhouse.
Companies will be have the flexibility to deploy their workforce as required and marketplaces will develop to allow trade in indentured contracts. We recommend minimal government regulation of the marketplace as we believe that market forces will quickly determine the optimal levels of service required to incentivise indentured workers to provide maximal productivity.
For example, we envisage that some organisations may wish to pay indentured workers based on their individual productivity so that they can purchase their way out of their contracts after a sufficient number of years of service. Other benefits, like access to better housing, health services or education, may also be offered as a means of motivation.
Highly productive workers will become valuable for the organisations that own them as they will be able to be traded in the indentured marketplace for higher sums.
Naturally, it will be necessary to remove the right to vote from indentured workers similar to those serving a prison sentence of three or more years. Furthermore, penalties will need to be enacted to punish indentured workers who refuse to provide an adequate level of service to their employers. Responsibility for enforcing these sanctions should be the domain of the employer and could include forms of corporal punishment.
We believe that indentured labour is the foundation that is needed for a prosperous future Australia and we urge the government to speed its introduction into Australia as a matter of urgency.
The Lego Movie is the work of Satan
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| The coming of the Antichrist? |
If this ins't a flat out denial of the teachings in Genesis then I don't know what is. By allowing your children to view this movie then you are condemning them to sin. It should be boycotted at all cost.
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
Toys Agender
It's not enough just to market toys as gender neutral to avoid stereotyping. The toys themselves must cross the gender barrier. Experience shows that boys and girls tend to gravitate towards certain types of toys no matter what their upbringing, but by combining their modes of play we can bring both together.
Take the dolls house, that picture of domesticity in miniature. Normally we might find little Maddyson's dolls happily baking cakes in the kitchen, but with the simple addition of Ninja traps and a samurai sword above the fireplace her brother Justeece's dolls will be putting down their beers next to the sofa in front of the television and be fighting off a bikie home invasion beside her in no time.
Fowbia will be sure to join in Roofuss' toy soldiers game when she discover's Army HQ is equipped with a complete wardrobe of uniforms, including one for the post battle fairy princess ball.
Simple changes such as these will help children break down gender stereotypes and help ensure that the next generation grows up in a post feminist gender equal society.
Take the dolls house, that picture of domesticity in miniature. Normally we might find little Maddyson's dolls happily baking cakes in the kitchen, but with the simple addition of Ninja traps and a samurai sword above the fireplace her brother Justeece's dolls will be putting down their beers next to the sofa in front of the television and be fighting off a bikie home invasion beside her in no time.
Fowbia will be sure to join in Roofuss' toy soldiers game when she discover's Army HQ is equipped with a complete wardrobe of uniforms, including one for the post battle fairy princess ball.
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| Pretty In Pink Darlene Vader, because the Dark Side of the Force is for everyone. |
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| Assault rifle accessories for Barbie. It's important for boys to understand women are part of the military now. |
Monday, July 1, 2013
Lord of the Rings: The Sequel
We left the Return of the King with many of the main characters sailing towards the lands to the west of Middle Earth. The movie opens with them being intercepted by a customs vessel and taken to a tropical island.
Legolas and Gimli enter the immigration office.
Immigration officer: "You two aren't married are you?"
Legolas & Gimli: "No!"
Legolas: "I am married to the fair Miranda who tarries on your shores."
Officer: "Blonde, white and married to model. Legless, did you say your name was? I reckon you'll fit in around Bondi Beach with the rest of your kind. Go through."
Officer: "And you shorty? Why're you here?"
Gimli: "I am a dwarf."
Officer: "Righto, off to the mines in the far western lands for you."
Frodo and Gandalf arrive.
Officer: "More bloody Kiwis. Look Gandalf, you know our laws are more ancient here. We don't recognise your types' partnerships. It's just you and your staff, y'hear? Okay, ya pansy, go through."
Officer: "And you Frodo Baggins, is it?"
Frodo: "You know sir that you must let me pass, for our lands have a special arrangement."
Officer: "Not so fast mate. The rules are different for criminals."
Frodo: "I am not a criminal!"
Officer: "A Mr Smeagol would like to disagree with you. He claims that you stole his precious."
Frodo: "It was not his to begin with!"
Officer: "Yes, well a certain ex resident of these lands, a Mr Sauron, agrees with you there. But receiving a stolen good is indeed a crime in itself. Give me a good reason not to cancel your visa now."
Frodo: "I saved the people of Middle Earth from a lifetime of servitude to evil."
Officer: "That's not how Gina sees it. It's okay for your hippy Council of Elrond to go around with your talk of freedom and fairness for all, but the Business Council here supports Work Choices. Visa denied!"
And so it came to pass that Frodo was sent to Villawood, which was like Mirkwood, only darker still, and there he began a new quest, one that would take him on a quest across the world to Sweden and London while the forces of the great darkness try to prevent him from reaching Ecuador.
Legolas and Gimli enter the immigration office.
Immigration officer: "You two aren't married are you?"
Legolas & Gimli: "No!"
Legolas: "I am married to the fair Miranda who tarries on your shores."
Officer: "Blonde, white and married to model. Legless, did you say your name was? I reckon you'll fit in around Bondi Beach with the rest of your kind. Go through."
Officer: "And you shorty? Why're you here?"
Gimli: "I am a dwarf."
Officer: "Righto, off to the mines in the far western lands for you."
Frodo and Gandalf arrive.
Officer: "More bloody Kiwis. Look Gandalf, you know our laws are more ancient here. We don't recognise your types' partnerships. It's just you and your staff, y'hear? Okay, ya pansy, go through."
Officer: "And you Frodo Baggins, is it?"
Frodo: "You know sir that you must let me pass, for our lands have a special arrangement."
Officer: "Not so fast mate. The rules are different for criminals."
Frodo: "I am not a criminal!"
Officer: "A Mr Smeagol would like to disagree with you. He claims that you stole his precious."
Frodo: "It was not his to begin with!"
Officer: "Yes, well a certain ex resident of these lands, a Mr Sauron, agrees with you there. But receiving a stolen good is indeed a crime in itself. Give me a good reason not to cancel your visa now."
Frodo: "I saved the people of Middle Earth from a lifetime of servitude to evil."
Officer: "That's not how Gina sees it. It's okay for your hippy Council of Elrond to go around with your talk of freedom and fairness for all, but the Business Council here supports Work Choices. Visa denied!"
And so it came to pass that Frodo was sent to Villawood, which was like Mirkwood, only darker still, and there he began a new quest, one that would take him on a quest across the world to Sweden and London while the forces of the great darkness try to prevent him from reaching Ecuador.
Monday, May 27, 2013
Jesus enter me
Waking to the cock's crow
My love for you begins to flow
Jesus enter me
I know you are there
Take me anywhere
Jesus enter me
Juices of thine
Flow like white wine
Jesus enter me
When you come
I am struck dumb
Jesus enter me
Naked are my feelings to see
When I feel your love surround me
Swimming in your golden glory
Then you know my passion for thee
My soul you save
Though you need a shave
Jesus enter me
My arse is sore
But I want you more
Jesus enter me
Jesus I have to say
I really think you're...
My love for you begins to flow
Jesus enter me
I know you are there
Take me anywhere
Jesus enter me
Flow like white wine
Jesus enter me
When you come
I am struck dumb
Jesus enter me
Naked are my feelings to see
When I feel your love surround me
Swimming in your golden glory
Then you know my passion for thee
My soul you save
Though you need a shave
Jesus enter me
My arse is sore
But I want you more
Jesus enter me
Jesus I have to say
I really think you're...
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Words of Wisdom Teeth
Cardigans are a sign of weakness.
Cheese melts.
Way up your options: This is called supersizing.
Leadership is all about following best practice.
Bean there. Done that.
Track your training, otherwise you will be derailed.
You freak!
Innovation is risky. The easiest thing is just to ban it.
Those who make coleslaw aspire to grate things.
Runs are for loos, sirs.
If it's part of the solution then it should be dissolved.
Management issues statements on issues management.
Trees are green and Fred's a goldfish.
Be responsible, don't flea, live in the hair, and now...
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
The Laughing Gnomes
From the creator of the Silence, the Vashta Nerada and the Weeping Angels comes a new foe of the Doctor...
The Laughing Gnomes.
"What are they?"
"The Laughing Gnomes. Whatever you do, don't look!"
"What are they and what do they do to you?"
"They're like the Weeping Angels,only worse."
"Worse how?"
"The Weeping Angels send you back in time. It might be somewhere nice or it might not. But the Laughing Gnomes send you back to a very bad time."
"When?"
"My sixth incarnation."
The Laughing Gnomes.
"What are they?"
"The Laughing Gnomes. Whatever you do, don't look!"
"What are they and what do they do to you?"
"They're like the Weeping Angels,only worse."
"Worse how?"
"The Weeping Angels send you back in time. It might be somewhere nice or it might not. But the Laughing Gnomes send you back to a very bad time."
"When?"
"My sixth incarnation."
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
The romance of Doctor Who
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| The Passion of the Daleks |
I stared at her, my angel, standing there unmoving, statuesque, but weeping inside. Then I shut my eyes and was immediately transported to another time long ago.
He wasn't really her type. His head was a shiny dome and his skin had weird bumps all over. He was opinionated, one eyed really, and was obviously a bit of a sucker with a strong destructive streak. But he had his own wheels.
Her smooth skin glistened in the sunlight.
"I feel nothing" she intoned, despite the sparks flying between them.
"You... you delete ME", he replied.
He was letting it all hang out. Typical of a guy, always thinking with it, she smirked. She wondered if he'd be such a slave to it if she snipped it off.
There he stood, tall and dressed in a smart suit. The silent type, the kind of person you'd forget about the moment you turned away. But his touch was electric.
Monday, July 16, 2012
Policy 404
The Australian Liberal Party's website seems to be missing any policies. Here's a much more informative 404 error page for them.
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
The Mojo Revealed?
Just what was Austin Power's mojo? You may recall that Austin's mojo is what gave him such amazing sexual prowess. You may also recall that it was stolen by a rather obese Scotsman with a hunger for infants, known as Fat Bastard. Now South Korean customs have uncovered pills from China reputed to enhance sexual performance and containing the powdered flesh of dead babies. Coincidence? I think not! Both Austin Powers and Fat Bastard were obviously users, no doubt abetted by that other evil henchman from Korea: Random Task. As Austin would say...
"Yeah baby!"
"Yeah baby!"
Sunday, May 6, 2012
Opening up the Bottlenose dolphin family
Scientists have recently discovered a number of additional species of the Bottlenose Dolphin (Tursiops) in Australian water. These include the shorter beaked Stubbynose, the inbetween Middynose and the Casknose dolphin, which has the interesting ability to swallow air and inflate themselves to a greater size. The most significant discovery is probably Tursiops boganus, or the Brokenbottlenose dolphin, which has been responsible for a significant number of glassings around Coogee, Bondi, and Manly beaches.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Steve Jobs is Dead
Questions:
- Have the faithful started work on his Sainthood app yet?
- Will Apple create an Android Steve?
- Will his coffin be black, white or brushed metal?
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