Thursday, September 29, 2011

The swooping magpie myth

It's spring. The days are getting longer (though not necessarily warmer), the flowers are blooming and the magpies are swooping. But are they a danger?

Professor Ji Long, a Victorian researcher in Avian Science Studies doesn't believe that these black and white birds are a threat.

"You hear anecdotal reports of swooping magpies draw blood, yet there are few, if any, reports of this in the literature."

Professor Long advises victims of magpies to submit reports of their injuries to internationally reviewed journals.

"But it is important to supply a sufficient number of data points. You need at least ten to be statistically significant. If in doubt, you should try repeating the experience."

His advice for people afraid of attack is "Wear a blue and white striped scarf as it has been shown that this pattern frightens the birds. Or you could get a cat."

Not everyone agrees with Professor Long. Eddie from Collingwood in Melbourne, says he has personally witnessed over 20 cases of the magpies drawing blood this season. And he reckons it doesn't matter what colour you wear.

"They'll go for anything that doesn't look like them. It's black and white or nothing."

When asked about reports of sea eagles attacking up in Sydney Professor Long replied that he had no interest in the species but suggested that it could be due to stress. "Like the auk on land, some birds are just worriers."

Friday, September 23, 2011

Red, yellow, but definitely not True Blue

I am forced to conclude that the Bananas in Pyjamas, once a stalwart of children's television viewing, must now be considered UnAustralian. In the wake of Cyclone Yasi, the outrageous salary demands of the Bananas in Pyjamas have driven the ABC to replace the live actors with their computer generated equivalents. But while we have stuck by our true blue farmers by maintaining the ban on foreign imports of bananas, the Bananas in Pyjamas are now sourced out of Singapore. Another case of cheap foreign labour taking Australian jobs.

Peeling back the yellow skin of the Bananas reveals a darker secret, like the real fruit left in the fridge. Like the government funded network that commissioned the series, the Bananas in Pyjamas display a horrifyingly left wing bent.

Only one of the characters has an actual job. The rest, including the Bananas themselves, spend their days lazing on the beach or doing work for the dole jobs like picking up rubbish off the beach. The sole working character, a rat, is portrayed as a money hungry cheat. This is a show dedicated to turning our children into nation of dole bludgers.

Our yellow bananas are actually red.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

It's the used salesmen event of the year!

Forget about all the manufacturing unemployed by the dollar, those from clothes shops and Harvey Norman killed by the Big Bad Internet. Forget the coal miners and truck drivers starving on the streets because of the Evil Carbon Tax. Forget even about the public servants sacked by the Liberals (Good Job Losses). Because now we have Real Job Losses to Fear. Car salesman.

The next time a squeegee person wants to wash your window, tip them extra for the window tinting, the rust and fabric protection and the paint chip insurance. You Know You Need It!

Thursday, September 1, 2011

These aren't the droids you're looking for

Is the dark side really stronger? You would think that if anyone in this world had Jedi powers it would be George Lucas. Unfortunately, his skills at waving his hand in front of our eyes in order to convince us to forget the past appears to be failing. Maybe he should return to Australia to learn from a Sith Lord who has managed to persuade millions that he is less of a liar than the Prime Minister (though the latter does a good impression of Hayden Christensen's acting in the prequels).