Monday, July 1, 2013

Lord of the Rings: The Sequel

We left the Return of the King with many of the main characters sailing towards the lands to the west of Middle Earth. The movie opens with them being intercepted by a customs vessel and taken to a tropical island.

Legolas and Gimli enter the immigration office.

Immigration officer: "You two aren't married are you?"

Legolas & Gimli: "No!"

Legolas: "I am married to the fair Miranda who tarries on your shores."

Officer: "Blonde, white and married to model. Legless, did you say your name was? I reckon you'll fit in around Bondi Beach with the rest of your kind. Go through."

Officer: "And you shorty? Why're you here?"

Gimli: "I am a dwarf."

Officer: "Righto, off to the mines in the far western lands for you."

Frodo and Gandalf arrive.

Officer: "More bloody Kiwis. Look Gandalf, you know our laws are more ancient here. We don't recognise your types' partnerships. It's just you and your staff, y'hear? Okay, ya pansy, go through."

Officer: "And you Frodo Baggins, is it?"

Frodo: "You know sir that you must let me pass, for our lands have a special arrangement."

Officer: "Not so fast mate. The rules are different for criminals."

Frodo: "I am not a criminal!"

Officer: "A Mr Smeagol would like to disagree with you. He claims that you stole his precious."

Frodo: "It was not his to begin with!"

Officer: "Yes, well a certain ex resident of these lands, a Mr Sauron, agrees with you there. But receiving a stolen good is indeed a crime in itself. Give me a good reason not to cancel your visa now."

Frodo: "I saved the people of Middle Earth from a lifetime of servitude to evil."

Officer: "That's not how Gina sees it. It's okay for your hippy Council of Elrond to go around with your talk of freedom and fairness for all, but the Business Council here supports Work Choices. Visa denied!"

And so it came to pass that Frodo was sent to Villawood, which was like Mirkwood, only darker still, and there he began a new quest, one that would take him on a quest across the world to Sweden and London while the forces of the great darkness try to prevent him from reaching Ecuador.

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