Lord of the Rings: The Sequel

We left the Return of the King with many of the main characters sailing towards the lands to the west of Middle Earth. The movie opens with them being intercepted by a customs vessel and taken to a tropical island.

Legolas and Gimli enter the immigration office.

Immigration officer: "You two aren't married are you?"

Legolas & Gimli: "No!"

Legolas: "I am married to the fair Miranda who tarries on your shores."

Officer: "Blonde, white and married to model. Legless, did you say your name was? I reckon you'll fit in around Bondi Beach with the rest of your kind. Go through."

Officer: "And you shorty? Why're you here?"

Gimli: "I am a dwarf."

Officer: "Righto, off to the mines in the far western lands for you."

Frodo and Gandalf arrive.

Officer: "More bloody Kiwis. Look Gandalf, you know our laws are more ancient here. We don't recognise your types' partnerships. It's just you and your staff, y'hear? Okay, ya pansy, go through."

Officer: "And you Frodo Baggins, is it?"

Frodo: "You know sir that you must let me pass, for our lands have a special arrangement."

Officer: "Not so fast mate. The rules are different for criminals."

Frodo: "I am not a criminal!"

Officer: "A Mr Smeagol would like to disagree with you. He claims that you stole his precious."

Frodo: "It was not his to begin with!"

Officer: "Yes, well a certain ex resident of these lands, a Mr Sauron, agrees with you there. But receiving a stolen good is indeed a crime in itself. Give me a good reason not to cancel your visa now."

Frodo: "I saved the people of Middle Earth from a lifetime of servitude to evil."

Officer: "That's not how Gina sees it. It's okay for your hippy Council of Elrond to go around with your talk of freedom and fairness for all, but the Business Council here supports Work Choices. Visa denied!"

And so it came to pass that Frodo was sent to Villawood, which was like Mirkwood, only darker still, and there he began a new quest, one that would take him on a quest across the world to Sweden and London while the forces of the great darkness try to prevent him from reaching Ecuador.

Jesus enter me

Waking to the cock's crow
My love for you begins to flow
Jesus enter me

I know you are there
Take me anywhere
Jesus enter me

Juices of thine
Flow like white wine
Jesus enter me

When you come
I am struck dumb
Jesus enter me

Naked are my feelings to see
When I feel your love surround me
Swimming in your golden glory
Then you know my passion for thee

My soul you save
Though you need a shave
Jesus enter me

My arse is sore
But I want you more
Jesus enter me

Jesus I have to say
I really think you're...

Words of Wisdom Teeth

Cardigans are a sign of weakness.

Cheese melts.

Way up your options: This is called supersizing.

Leadership is all about following best practice.

Bean there. Done that.

Track your training, otherwise you will be derailed.

You freak!

Innovation is risky. The easiest thing is just to ban it.

Those who make coleslaw aspire to grate things.

Runs are for loos, sirs.

If it's part of the solution then it should be dissolved.

Management issues statements on issues management.

Trees are green and Fred's a goldfish.

Be responsible, don't flea, live in the hair, and now...

The Laughing Gnomes

From the creator of the Silence, the Vashta Nerada and the Weeping Angels comes a new foe of the Doctor...

The Laughing Gnomes.

"What are they?"

"The Laughing Gnomes. Whatever you do, don't look!"

"What are they and what do they do to you?"

"They're like the Weeping Angels,only worse."

"Worse how?"

"The Weeping Angels send you back in time. It might be somewhere nice or it might not. But the Laughing Gnomes send you back to a very bad time."

"When?"

"My sixth incarnation."

The romance of Doctor Who

The Passion of the Daleks

I stared at her, my angel, standing there unmoving, statuesque, but weeping inside. Then I shut my eyes and was immediately transported to another time long ago.

He wasn't really her type. His head was a shiny dome and his skin had weird bumps all over. He was opinionated, one eyed really, and was obviously a bit of a sucker with a strong destructive streak. But he had his own wheels.

Her smooth skin glistened in the sunlight.
"I feel nothing" she intoned, despite the sparks flying between them.
"You... you delete ME", he replied.

He was letting it all hang out. Typical of a guy, always thinking with it, she smirked. She wondered if he'd be such a slave to it if she snipped it off.

There he stood, tall and dressed in a smart suit. The silent type, the kind of person you'd forget about the moment you turned away. But his touch was electric.

Policy 404

The Australian Liberal Party's website seems to be missing any policies. Here's a much more informative 404 error page for them.

The Mojo Revealed?

Just what was Austin Power's mojo? You may recall that Austin's mojo is what gave him such amazing sexual prowess. You may also recall that it was stolen by a rather obese Scotsman with a hunger for infants, known as Fat Bastard. Now South Korean customs have uncovered pills from China reputed to enhance sexual performance and containing the powdered flesh of dead babies. Coincidence? I think not! Both Austin Powers and Fat Bastard were obviously users, no doubt abetted by that other evil henchman from Korea: Random Task. As Austin would say...

"Yeah baby!"