Policy 404

The Australian Liberal Party's website seems to be missing any policies. Here's a much more informative 404 error page for them.

The Mojo Revealed?

Just what was Austin Power's mojo? You may recall that Austin's mojo is what gave him such amazing sexual prowess. You may also recall that it was stolen by a rather obese Scotsman with a hunger for infants, known as Fat Bastard. Now South Korean customs have uncovered pills from China reputed to enhance sexual performance and containing the powdered flesh of dead babies. Coincidence? I think not! Both Austin Powers and Fat Bastard were obviously users, no doubt abetted by that other evil henchman from Korea: Random Task. As Austin would say...

"Yeah baby!"

Opening up the Bottlenose dolphin family

Scientists have recently discovered a number of additional species of the Bottlenose Dolphin (Tursiops) in Australian water. These include the shorter beaked Stubbynose, the inbetween Middynose and the Casknose dolphin, which has the interesting ability to swallow air and inflate themselves to a greater size. The most significant discovery is probably Tursiops boganus, or the Brokenbottlenose dolphin, which has been responsible for a significant number of glassings around Coogee, Bondi, and Manly beaches.

Steve Jobs is Dead

Questions:

1. Have the faithful started work on his Sainthood app yet?
2. Will Apple create an Android Steve?
3. Will his coffin be black, white or brushed metal?

The Headlines

• Amanda Knox released from Italian jail - too old for Berlusconi.
• Apple releases new iPhone - gets confused between S and 5.
• Qantas management threatened - offered tickets on Tiger?
• Cadel Evans to skip Tour Downunder - swaps bicycle for a rope.
• Live coverage of Tax Summit - win for insomniac shift workers.

The swooping magpie myth

It's spring. The days are getting longer (though not necessarily warmer), the flowers are blooming and the magpies are swooping. But are they a danger?

Professor Ji Long, a Victorian researcher in Avian Science Studies doesn't believe that these black and white birds are a threat.

"You hear anecdotal reports of swooping magpies draw blood, yet there are few, if any, reports of this in the literature."

Professor Long advises victims of magpies to submit reports of their injuries to internationally reviewed journals.

"But it is important to supply a sufficient number of data points. You need at least ten to be statistically significant. If in doubt, you should try repeating the experience."

His advice for people afraid of attack is "Wear a blue and white striped scarf as it has been shown that this pattern frightens the birds. Or you could get a cat."

Not everyone agrees with Professor Long. Eddie from Collingwood in Melbourne, says he has personally witnessed over 20 cases of the magpies drawing blood this season. And he reckons it doesn't matter what colour you wear.

"They'll go for anything that doesn't look like them. It's black and white or nothing."

When asked about reports of sea eagles attacking up in Sydney Professor Long replied that he had no interest in the species but suggested that it could be due to stress. "Like the auk on land, some birds are just worriers."

Red, yellow, but definitely not True Blue

I am forced to conclude that the Bananas in Pyjamas, once a stalwart of children's television viewing, must now be considered UnAustralian. In the wake of Cyclone Yasi, the outrageous salary demands of the Bananas in Pyjamas have driven the ABC to replace the live actors with their computer generated equivalents. But while we have stuck by our true blue farmers by maintaining the ban on foreign imports of bananas, the Bananas in Pyjamas are now sourced out of Singapore. Another case of cheap foreign labour taking Australian jobs.

Peeling back the yellow skin of the Bananas reveals a darker secret, like the real fruit left in the fridge. Like the government funded network that commissioned the series, the Bananas in Pyjamas display a horrifyingly left wing bent.

Only one of the characters has an actual job. The rest, including the Bananas themselves, spend their days lazing on the beach or doing work for the dole jobs like picking up rubbish off the beach. The sole working character, a rat, is portrayed as a money hungry cheat. This is a show dedicated to turning our children into nation of dole bludgers.

Our yellow bananas are actually red.